"You can Heal from Depression one breath at a time. You are not allowed to disconnect from yourself, your body or other people."

Natalia Volanberg recounts her experience with depression during the first lock down in Montreal and  how she was able to bounce back.  

You are not Alone - Angels are Here! You can Heal!

Depression can happen to anyone and it happened to me during Covid. 

I know that I am not the only one who experienced depression at that time and for this reason I am sharing this with you. Maybe you are someone who needs help? This post is for YOU! 

What is depression? 

The model for depression is death itself. Depression is an inability to see the Future and I could not see my Future during that time of the lockdowns in Montreal, Canada. 

Where was it all going? And how long would this situation last? 

Phil Stutz on Depression during Covid

"Listen very carefully. It's not just a problem that one person has. This is a problem with the whole universe, the whole world. 

We are not accustomed to that. It scares the shit out of us. The things we have habitually relied on to give us some sense of security are taken away from us all together. Any sense of certainty has been taken away. Any idea of what's going on has been taken away." 

Yeah, this is exactly how I felt. 

The world sort of collapsed on itself. 

From Connection to Isolation. 

A month and a half ago before the first lockdown I started a French Immersion Program. Immediately I made a whole bunch of friends from Iran, Syria, Brazil, Columbia and Lebanon. They just arrived in Quebec and were filled with hope for the future. 

We were all part of an amazing well-established language program and got to speak French to each other 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I was finally making progress with my French. I had my first dream in French! At last, I started believing that I was capable of becoming fluent!

On March 17th the administration sent us all home to study on-line, but there was no on-line program. So we were just told to review what we had covered so far. 

Later on daily Zoom meetings were set up, but it was a tough transition. People were not familiar with Zoom yet and there was a lot of sound distortion and multiple technical issues.

I developed a severe migraine headache that would not go away. 

I was sitting in my room staring out of the window at a children's playground that was closed off by a yellow police tape. 

It was depressing as HELL! 

Phil Stutz about depression. "You are not allowed to withdraw from the World." 

But in the time of social distancing it felt as if the world withdrew from me. 

There used to be multiple currents of life flowing towards me from everywhere (my French Immersion, my yoga studio, my meditation group,local Starbucks, all the restaurants, theatres and cinemas etc) - they brought me love, friendship, support, joy, positivity, connection. And now these currents receded to their source. 

This was unheard of. 

It was like going on Vipassana, but totally on your own  - without any schedule, staff support or infrastructure. 

Thank God my cat Gnocchi was doing Vipassana with me. She was the only one happy during the lock down because I was home!

Paradox of Engagement. 

The more we engage with the World - the more energy we have. And when we stop engaging - we start losing energy. The hallmark of depression is a lack of energy. Even a little thing like brushing your teeth turns into an insurmountable task. And when you don't have to go anywhere - why bother putting on make-up or getting dressed? Thus, the less we do - the less energy we have. 

I did not have to do anything, but it did not translate into being well-rested and having a surplus of energy.

I felt my life force leaving my body. It became hard to get up in the morning. I used to jump out of bed, took a cold shower, ran to get coffee from Starbucks before class and ended up at my desk always 5 minutes before the start. 

Stutz was unrelentless. "Yes, we are in a time of social distancing, but you have to shut the fuck up and do as I say!

Treat it as a challenge. Don't think about it - it will make you more depressed. Just pick up the phone and connect with people".

I listened to Phil.

I had to construct my own social matrix. It was my responsibility to find communities on-line and get support. 

Phil Stutz and his colleague Barry Michels organized FREE bi-weekly seminars called "Connecting at the Time of Social Distancing." It was great to see Phil and other people I met at that seminar in LA in September of 2019. I felt immediately uplifted by the group energy. 

Phil was right. You should not give yourself permission to withdraw no matter what. 

To treat depression, Stutz uses the following pyramid model. 

1. Level (the base)

It's your relationship to your physical body. By doing exercises every day you can create an immediate change in how you feel. Anyone can walk around the block. And it gives you HOPE and a sense of accomplishment. You are capable of doing something small like that even in your depressed state. 

Of course, I kept on walking around the block - there was nothing else to do in a cold Montreal. Even skating was canceled. And parks are filled with dirty slash during this time of the year. 

I re-established my relationship with my body by discovering Clarity Breathwork. 

The beauty of this practice is that you do not require any external equipment and you don't need to go anywhere. All you need is your Breath and proper loving guidance. 

When I came across Ashana Solaris and Dana Dharma Devi on Pacha Mama's website I felt that those women had something special for me. I felt a sort of spark in my heart. 

At the time of Covid, they started doing Full Moon/New Moon group breathwork ceremonies on-line and I began to join those ceremonies. Clarity Breathwork proved to be gentle, yet powerful. I loved the fact that I could go at my own pace - I was in control! 

Every time I participated, I felt more energy flowing through my body. I was re-connecting to my life force. And it gave me hope that I could come out of that depressed state - one breath at a time. 

2. Level. Your relationship with other people. 

Following Phil's advice, I made an effort to stay connected. I called my mother on a regular basis and friends with whom I have not spoken in years.

You just have to do it - don't allow yourself to sit in a corner all alone when you are depressed. The more you retreat and isolate, the harder it will be to come out of a depressed state. 

During this time I discovered 4 different communities on-line. 

The Tools Community (seminars led by Phil Stutz, Marry Michels, Jamie Rose and Kristan Sargeant) In this community we studied and practiced the Tools, supported each other, did Shadow and Inner Child Work. It was very productive for me. After each seminar I felt deeply fulfilled. 

The Clarity Breathwork Community. After many years, these on-line breathwork ceremonies brought me back to singing mantras and reconnected me to Hindu gods like Ganesha and Saraswati.

I met amazing women filled with light and desire to support one another. My soul was so nourished and so was my body. I tried breathwork years before and it was such a perfect time to come back to it. 

I also began to participate in The Brave New Life Community meetings and a Psychodrama Group. 

In the summer, I participated in a Playback Theatre performance on my friend's loan:) 

3. Your relationship with yourself. 

Writing is a great tool here that allows you to connect to your inner world. What is happening there? I did daily journaling by hand. Just writing things down random  ideas and dreams. 

You can also do a daily review every night where you detail your progress during the day - the promises you made to yourself the night before and the promises you kept. This is the time to set goals for the next day and commit 100%

Commitment -action, commitment-action, commitment -action. 

If you are familiar with shadow/inner child work, you can converse with your shadow in writing. Put down the messages you get from your Shadow (s), 

Listen to what they say, turn them into characters, write a play. 

Be creative!

4. Faith. 

You have to have Faith. There is no downside to having faith that the Universe cares about you and your recovery. Faith that you are not alone on a rock in space and everything is random. Faith in the Higher Forces whatever they are for you: your unconscious, the forces of nature, the Universal Intelligence.

5. Confidence. 

Phil placed confidence right at the tip of the pyramid. 

According to Phil, confidence comes from the commitment you make to yourself and the small, doable action steps you take every day.  Confidence comes from constant movement along the Plane of Will, as Phil calls it. 

 This never-ending commitment -action, commitment -action, commitment-action chain generates trust and confidence in yourself. 

You are capable.

You are on the right path.

You are responsible for your own well-being and you can generate energy and heal from depression. 

You can also ask for help - you don't have to do it alone.