Grief brings a knowing of the "Feeling Good State"

It’s only possible to be so clear about this feeling good state, because you’ve had such a stark contrast to feeling good through the grief. Without darkness there is no light. Grief knocks you down, takes over your entire mind and being, every piece of you is drowns in sadness. Sadness for them, sadness for you, sadness for what was once and will never be again, sadness for anything. It kicks you down and holds you there until you can’t breathe, constantly pressing down on your chest. I can attest that grief is stored in the lungs - largely because you are likely to quit taking deep breaths, for long periods of time. You’re left gasping in shallow breaths, desperate to get relief yet being restricted by every wave of feeling that seems to slam onto you, and role you around like a ragdoll.

But, every so often you catch a deeper breath, life sneaks back in like a flood of light expanding through your entire body. Your brain wakes back up in an instant. You remember the alive and vibrant version of you, and you miss it. Slowly, you begin to breathe again, deeper with every opening in the pain. You start to see what’s been happening - how all those shallow breaths have been taking even more of your life away. All of a sudden, you realize you’ve been living a substandard life and the you that once was isn't ok with that choice. This is not the life you wanted. You make some changes and get more glimpses of that feeling good state. You have become very intimate with both the pain of grief, and the love of life all in an instant. At that moment when the lesson takes hold. We are all of it: sadness, happiness, despair, joy, anger, excitement, literally all feelings, all at once.

Grief is hell, but it’s one of the best teachers in life you’ll ever get. It teaches patience, compassion, awareness, love and perseverance. Most of all, it teaches you to recognize yourself as just as worthy as anyone else to receive life’s blessings. It demands that you give of yourself to yourself with conviction. You learn to skip the apologies and explanations, accepting yourself and others for just who they are. Grief shows us it is imperative to respect all layers of yourself, and defend the sacred space within. It demands this for a healthier, deeper, more compassionate version of you. It shows you when, where and how you’ll break because you can feel the break coming on - and you know that’s not a space you want to be in anymore. Over time, you learn what you need to build yourself back up and gives you the confidence to make it happen and take it.

Grief lights up our "Biological Energy Sonar"

Grief teaches you to feel the energy in a room, between people, and most importantly inside of yourself. This is a refining of an innate biological energy sonar we all carry. Learning to respond to energetic shifts allow you to keep the energy where you need it. You learn to notice when someone’s tone changes the ambiance of the room. You notice when your thoughts do the same inside. You are keenly aware of the topics of discussion that are only negative and hurtful. You learn to realize there is nobody truly forcing you to stay within the space of guilt and obligation - except you. You get the guts to turn away from that which brings your energy down and not feel bad about it. You learn to change the topic sooner. You realize that you are in total control of what energy leaves your body and what energies invade your space. It feels good to feel good, and now you know its vital to your health. You realize focus on the good energies is more than half the battle. 

This time, with my friends I felt the wave of bad energy coming on, slowly. One bit of bad news after another. I felt the stabbing pangs of grief in the loss of Karen. Then, as I connected with those who I love, I felt the pain even more. I could feel my body contracting, restricting my breathing and holding it all in. I was disappointed in so many I had held in high regard. Then, as I noticed my biological energy sonar picking up drastic changes. My mind started remembering that feeling of being completely lost in the sea of grief and I started to panic. My heart was erratic and I was frantic and awake all night. I remembered how much work it was and how hard it was to pull myself out of that in the past. I did not miss the long term results of taking too long to respond to my own biological sonar reading (my intuition). It felt good to be in a space that wasn’t filled with pain, and I had been there for a while. I asked myself urgently, "How do I get back to a space without pain? I want to be there, right now! Damnit Janet?!

Grief pushes us to develop better, healthy personal boundaries

I learned to recognize that place where if I heard/saw/thought/felt anymore, I was going to go off the edge into the abyss of misery. I learned to protect my space, and love myself back to life again. How?  I said no to whatever or whomever was pulling me down. 

“This isn’t working for me. I’ve got to go.”  

“I understand if you don’t get this, but it is my truth. I still love you, but I can’t be around this right now.” 

"I love you, but I just can't do this right now. I need a break."

You learn to say this with compassion and conviction, because you would never want to be the source of anyone’s pain. You also learn to read people, and know when they can’t deal with such directness. For those people, you distract them with anything to change the focus, and give yourself an out.

“Man that is hard to deal with, what do you think of [insert something about a topic they love]?”  

“I'm so glad you told me, that's a huge burden. What can I do to help you feel better?” 

"Geeze, that's a lot. That sucks. Let's go do something fun, what do you say?"

Its a constant battle, staying in that good feeling state, but it is a battle well worth winning.

This time, as soon as I saw that energetic shift within me, I took a stand. I let them know I couldn't talk for a little while, but it wasn't because I didn't love them. I saw them breaking, and it was breaking me. I needed some time to myself to rejuvenate. This time, I got my energy back much quicker than ever before. All of my friends gave my requests for space such respect. It seemed they knew how painful this was and they didn't want to put that on me themselves. They've been to the depths before and know what it is to need to shut people, things, places out to recover. They know I'm usually more upbeat, and they didn't want to bring me down. These are true friends. They love me enough to understand my needs and support me even through times that are hard for them.

This time I didn't lose myself in the pain. This time I recovered so much faster. After a few months, I was able to go back to my friends and be that kind ear and shoulder to lean on. I shared my love with them in a new, fresher way and they took note from my requests and were able to take time for themselves even more.